It Get's Better (Maybe)

This goes out to the GBL community and the Trevor project and even the suicide hotline.

When I was in the fourth grade, I decided I did not like the holier-than-thou Christian school I was going to with my god awful fourth grade teacher and ,decided to go to a new school. This new school was not the greatest school in the world. My only friend was a girl in my own class who would beat me up if I beat her in our reading competitions (I did anyway because reading was a get away) and a third grader who was a destined serial killer with her talk of eating her fish and skinning cats.

My entire fifth grade year consisted of the worst and most-needed-to-forget sleepover in my entire life, a trip in a puddle for the entire schools enjoyment, an almost fight with someone over cutting in line, and a third grade teacher calling me an immature moron on why I would be afraid of a girl who ate her fish (the teacher was young and stupid and she called me in there because I accidentally fell into said third grader and she fell in the mud.) Fifth grade will happily be forgotten.

I quickly moved schools in the sixth grade and was in a middle-school with a sixth grade program. I remember being soooooo optimistic that this year was going to be better than last year.

Sixth grade started with being kicked of my RECREATIONAL soccer team and losing half my friends and social group. My sixth grade class consisted of sixty one kids all paired up and all rejecting of a short red headed fat kid. I had two friends a deaf girl who blatantly told me she hated me and a sweet nice seventh grader who did most of the talking for me and her. I was only able to see her for one period a day and was unable to see her for the rest of my middle-school experience.

My sixth grade trip can be described in one word: Shit-tastic. We had a four hour bus ride in which isolated old me learned all the inside jokes and read a great deal and got very carsick. I was in bedroom with all the popular girls and was wonderfully forgotten after the trip. I even remember being in the same hiking group as Shawn Benjamin, my nickname was Pine-cone, and I have blocked out most of the memories except practically diving into the ocean after I had wet myself on a trail, and not talking a lot among my fellow peers.

I believe it was sixth grade when people started to throw their lunches at me and laugh as they walked by in pure '80's fashion. The few teachers who made me not commit suicide in the sixth grade would be Sr.Maynard who threw plastic fruit at the little fucker Ryan who made life a living hell through the seventh and eighth grade, and Mrs.Keller and the fantastic art teacher who called Brielle a bitch.

Seventh grade was probably the most blocked out year of my life. I had one friend Jalyssa the first friend in two years who did not have an abusive side kick, sadly after this wonderful year we practically never talked again. This next half is in poem form to make the past suck less.
Dear AVID class,
FUCK YOU RYAN I am not sexist,
Girls for scientific reasons
should probably not play tackle football
with assholes like you.
Brielle and Laura, thank you
you bitches for giving me my first wall graffiti
you spelled my name wrong,
for laughing at my speech on my now deceased
Great Grandpa and my speech on bullying,
to the rest of the class if I didn't
remember you were probably laughing with the crowd.

Dear Peer's,
I am greatly disturbed,
at how you use me as a trashcan
it seems you are all blind an have miserable aim
and stop trying to throw your trash like you're
throwing a baseball, it makes you look like morons.
Thank you for complementing me on
my brother you should be happy to know we are not dating and shall
be pleased to hear that I'm am neither incestuous nor a lesbian
though being a lesbian has been a nice side thought.

Dear Veronica and Nicole,
No thank you, I would not like to
acknowledge your request to
set me up with that nice guy because
were you know (fat)and because I helped him up
when he fell down. It would be nice if you
would stop ditching me Nicole
It appears your friends like me better but
Oh, well I'll walk alone again.
Special thanks to Mrs.Book and Mrs.Keller again for being the coolest teachers.

Eighth grade was a blur of what happened in seventh but instead my friends were two very Hispanic of which one was incredibly obnoxious and constantly tried to rip up my drawings and every deaf kid in the school. In general there were very few understandable conversations in my memory. I also remember the worst weeks of my entire life. I was in a table group of Ryan, Jalyssa's revenge filled ex, and and one of Ryan's groupies.
Everyday I did all the work and when we had fun group challenge's it was non-stop "What the hell did you do this time?" "You're the smart one aren't you suppose to know" "This is all your fault" and other jibes. I remember braking down into tears quite a few times during that class.

The worst part of that year was Media. It was a mistake I was in that class I had signed up for art. I had the pleasure of meeting the wonderfully sadistic Mrs.Ethington who looked delightfully like Cruella De'Vil. Mrs.Ethington never accepted that I have the worse sense of stage fright and am incredibly useful behind stage. The worse incident was when I was refusing to be in the show, and she told me I would have a 'C'. Perfect GPA me needed a better grade in that class and went into the show anyway.

When we were looking for partners I was the one girl without a partner and there were more guys in the class. I believe I out loud called them jerks when Mrs.E saw me unmatched up. She forced one guy to be my partner. On the night of the show the asshole ditched part of the show so I had to cover all his jobs. Then he showed up because his parents made him and told someone that he hadn't wanted to be up on stage with me. I nearly kicked him in the nuts before our dancing number.

I will never ever talk to Mrs.E or that shithead again. My eighth grade year ended with a celebration of all the kids who were smarter than me.

When I went into high school I was very bitchy and very high strung waiting for someone to pull a doushebag move on me. Then that went away and I had friends, mormons, of course, no one made fun of me and no one was so cruel I couldn't handle it. the year after that I had Brit and she showed me the manga and bookworm group. This year I have Stevi and all the wonderful snarky kids of my group that sit next to the library. It honestly got better and it will get better I swear.

Thank you, for listening to a rant about the worst years of my life that I have not told any one. Thanks.